nineteen
Kokomo
As everyone’s favorite personal tour guide, I think it is my duty to talk about some of the vacations I’ve been on or places I’ve been and rate them. So here it goes:
Cabo San Lucas - 9/10. It’s absolutely beautiful. Food is fantastic. I actually went for spring break with a bunch of my girl friends. We had a great time from what I remember. If you go, Mango Deck is a must. Everyone always says "oh the water is so rough" about Cabo, but I’ll tell you we would spend all day drinking at mango deck and then swim in the ocean on the way back to our hotel. And I’m not talking like Olympic swimming, more like crawling in very shallow water. Our hotel was like a solid mile away, or so it felt like. I deducted a half point because one of the days when I was wasted I fell asleep with my head in my arms on the table at mango deck and horrifyingly woke up to a stranger trying to kiss me. My own fault, I’ll take responsibility for that one. Also, hot tip just don’t venture off from the strip, the local bars get a little sketchy. But I’ll go back any time. Overall, wonderful time.
San Francisco - 11/10. I loved San Francisco. I went my mom and my sister. And it’s really family-friendly fun. We did a wine vineyard tour that was also accompanied by a light hike through Muir Woods? The Red Woods? Which was incredible, so many really tall trees. But quick tip it was freezing, but I guess we should have realized it was going to be colder. Because like the fashionable princesses my sister and I are, we were out there in dresses no jacket, and it was like 60 degrees. Really underestimated being in the middle of a forest. Downtown San Francisco like Fisherman’s Wharf and Sausalito also so nice.The food was really good. My sister and I didn’t make it too the "Full House" houses because we got into a fight. So I’ll be back.
Aruba - 4/10. Everyone really loves Aruba. So, unpopular opinion, but i did not exactly enjoy it. We landed at like 3 pm, and Jersey was having amazing weather at the time, hot and sunny. And in Aruba, the wind was blowing, which is typical for Aruba weather. But I was freezing, thinking"shoulda just stayed in Jersey". We went to dinner and I asked the waiter for a spare table cloth to cover myself like a blanket because I didn’t have a jacket. I didn’t like the food, but we also didn’t venture off the strip as much as we should have. Which I’ve realized after the fact from talking to people about Aruba. So, Aruba will have another chance. Also, I’m not a great flyer - really bad motion sickness, also why I hate cruises. But, we had a delayed flight and took it upon ourselves to waste time at the bar in the airport. I had a fantastic idea was to start ripping Cinnamon Toast Crunch shots - which are Fireball and RumChata. I can't even say they're delicious anymore, they’re ... creamy. And like most stories I have, we both got a little drunk. When boarding the flight, my boyfriend at the time and I realized we weren’t sitting next to each other. And, of course, I needed him to sit next to me. So stupidly enough, he paid someone a very unfair price to move to the last row of the plane, where I was sitting (he had like a great section seat btw), and to a middle seat to sit right next to me. I slept and puked the entire time. God bless his soul. He's really a saint for that.
Vegas - 20/10. I don't have much more to say except I'm going again at the end of this month. It is an adult wonderland - pool parties, clubs, nonstop. We were walking out of Drais After-Hours at 8 AM when the sun is up after being there all night and my mom was texting me "I'm going to church".
Mardi Gras - 100/10. Mardi Gras I know is in New Orleans, but you have to go for the holiday. This was another trip I did with my girl friends. The parades were an absolute blast, they were daytime and nighttime. We were barhopping and watching parades go by. We did a cemetery tour. Overall, the food was amazing. I appreciated a trip that wasn't just drinking, but also some sightseeing. It's wholesome.
Miami - 15/10. As another one of my impulse decisions, I took a trip to Miami by myself. Completely alone. It was January in New Jersey and I felt like I hadn't seen sunshine in way too long. And I mean this literally, but also figuratively. I was a little down for a while, some stuff going on. And at about 3:30 in the afternoon on a Monday, I texted my friends and I said "I think I want to go to Miami, anyone want to come?" And I guess they didn't realize I was being serious, because I was on a flight at 6 AM on my way there. I spent 3 days completely alone. I turned my cell phone on airplane mode, not before downloading a month's worth of Pop News podcasts to catch up on the Kardashians, and I sat my ass on the beach with my own thoughts. I really appreciate myself for giving myself the chance to learn to be alone.
There's a ton more trips, but I'll make a part two at some point. Sneak Peak: Nashville will be included. And I'll update Vegas after leaving all my brain cells there.
Number 18:
The Morgue
I feel like I think about death more than the average person.
It’s just a weird thing. I'm not even trying to scare anyone, please believe me when I say there's nothing wrong. Can't get rid of me that easily. And I most sincerely hope this isn't triggering to anyone in the slightest. Please stop reading if it's possible.
I know this older man who runs a little liquor store. I usually see him on Monday afternoons. I'm terrible with age, but I'd say he's at least 70. And we don’t even have much conversation beyond the weather each week. But every time I walk in there I think about how upset I’d be if he were to die. I don't even know why I think about this. I don't even have any idea the type of person he was in his earlier life. He could have been a terrible person. But I like to imagine he wasn’t. He gets excited about decorating the store for different holidays.
My own grandmother. Don't even get me started. But, she's like a roach, she's not going anywhere. Skin cancer, a heart attack, getting her foot run over by a car, Covid. There's more. But she took it all like a fucking champ. I keep telling her she's gotta at least stick around for my (currently fictional) wedding day. It's going to be a while, I am as single as they come right now.
I think about my own death a lot. It's morbid. Like my funeral, who would be there? What if I died right now. Who would be upset, whose lives have I touched enough for them to show up and grieve my death. Who would piss on my grave. I encounter people and I think about if they died, would I go to the funeral. I’ve even been to funerals and thought “this song would be nice to play at my own funeral."*Shazam* *Writes it in the notes app on my phone* Again, please don't be startled by this, I'm not going any time soon.
Every year since his passing, my family tradition is to go to my grandfathers grave on Christmas morning in our pajamas before we open gifts. I miss him.
I did some research on this though, I think it's an anxious thing.
Chapter 17:
the wedding singer
Take yourself to Season 5, Episode 1 of Black Mirror on Netflix.
The episode is called Striking Vipers. Lit show, fire episode. In the episode, it’s two dudes from college that reconnect over the newest version of this Virtual Reality game and turns into a gay love affair, sexual relationship between the two guys. Like most Black Mirror, it’s a freaky episode - controversial topics. And I’m not personally complex enough to discuss the horrors of human complexity to the extent of Black Mirror. Nor, is this post even getting into the tip of the iceberg actually. This post is actually about the song that plays in the powerful and poetic ending. At the very end of this episode, “Not one minute more” by Earl Grant plays.
“….I’ll only love you, as long as the sea rolls on endlessly to the shore. I’ll love you ’til then, not one minute more….”
It’s a beautiful song. They don’t make music like this anymore. The vocals, the piano, a true classic. And if you’re going to go listen to it, I suggest AirPods. Noise Cancelling. Blast it. The reason I love this song though is because, not only do I really love old music, but the drama. It’s “I’ll love you” but I’ll only love you for as long as all these impossible things don’t happen. And it's like they happen and without a doubt, I'll stop loving you, no hesitation, not even a minute. Like, geeez, put me in my place. And what really gets me is the line “I’ll only love you ’til there’s only night, and the sun gives no light as before”. Earl Grant, baby, you ever been to Alaska?! They have 30 days of night. !!! You gonna stop loving me? Honey, you’re not gonna love me forever? The drama. Spicy. I love it.
But, this is also just the perfect amount of drama I'll always need in my life, which is why I’ve seriously considered this song for my first dance at my fictional wedding….that is as long as my future husband vows to never take me to Alaska. Or do, but I’m going to feel some type of way about the trip. Fair warning.
This is a list of potential songs I’ve also considered for my fictional wedding first dance:
-‘As’ by Stevie Wonder. But, I don’t need all 7 minutes of it. Also, maybe slow it down a little bit. I’m going to need a slow version remix of this song.
-‘No One’ by Alicia Keys. I’m pretty much only including this one because I recently watched a movie and this was their wedding song. It was a cute movie.
Sucker for cheesy romance.
-‘So High’ by John Legend. I saw a video on instagram of NFL wide receiver AJ Green and Miranda Brooke dancing to this at their wedding. And, just YouTube the video. Instantly considered.
-‘Shining Star’ by The Manhattans. Again, I love my old music.
6teen:
the quality or condition of being easy to understand or do
One of my favorite instagram writers is @ronwritings. And if you don’t follow him, I high key suggest it.
The other day he posted a series discussing …. Well, I’m just going to quote him:
“The mistake I think people make all the time is confusing simple with easy. Things are good if they are simple, but simple doesn’t mean easy. Simple means simple.”
I couldn’t agree more with what he was saying. It was actually eye-opening to me. It kinda makes me want to rewrite the definition of simple in the dictionary. “Simple” and “Easy” aren’t synonymous even in the slightest. People always say “Oh I wanna live a simple life.” Do you? Or do you just want your life to be easy? Because, I can practically promise you it will never just be easy. That’s not how life works, at least, in my opinion. Life ain’t easy, baby. Nothing comes easy. At least nothing worth having.
I think that there’s some kind of routine to simplicity. Routinely working towards the things you want in life. If my only goal in life is to spend it as happy as I can, it’s a very simple goal. That’s not always easy to do though. It takes a lot of work, mentally, physically, and emotionally, to make peace with things that have hurt you and affected your emotional complex. And it’s even harder to remove things from your life that don’t necessarily make you happiest. I’ve said it before, toxicity is a drug, and sheesh can it be addicting. But like most drugs, it’s still an internal attack. My advice? Practice distance. Distancing myself from things that no longer make me happy has kept me alive.
I have other simple goals in life - be as nice as I can. I laugh saying this because it is so fucking difficult to be nice to some people. As I’m absolutely sure this rings true for everyone, people test my patience all goddamn day. And I’m a yeller. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve just screamed in my car. “WHAT THE FUCK!?” It’s actually sometimes made me believe that my life is a simulation. Which I actually do want to discuss this in another post because I do have a lot of thoughts on this one. Y’all ever feel like that? Please let me know.
I just encourage everyone to keep believing that the best things in life are often very simple.
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fourteen
Breakups happen. They’re part of life. But in an effort to not make my entire blog about relationships, I wanna talk about some parts of myself I will be breaking up with.
I wanna break up with my hypocrisy. It’s no excuse, but I am a Gemini. One of our tendencies happens to be we are always changing our minds. I think this comes from my super impulsive personality. Words come out of my mouth faster than I am even able to process what someone has said to me and usually without thought. Even though I am indecisive, I will pick an option and run with it before I am able to think about it or weigh the pros and cons. It's pure split decision impulse. And with thought, I usually change my mind. So hypocrisy, we are breaking up. I’m moving on to thinking more before I word vomit.
I’d like to break up with the sleepless part of myself. I don’t sleep a lot, if you know me you may recognize this. I blame it on my anxiety. It keeps me up at night. A mere thought in the middle of the night can cause me to stay awake until it’s basically daylight again. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to pay bills, to shop online, to clean my room, look for that top I lost years ago… you name it. A couple nights ago I didn’t even fall asleep at all. My mind is constantly racing and one thought to the next could keep me up for hours. I guess I need to train my mind.
To the part of me that believes everything needs a response, we are breaking up. Sometimes no response is a response. I need to believe this far more often. It says a lot about character maturity when you can refrain from continuing the conversation and just let it ride.
To the me that gives people far too many chances: it's over. I always give people far too many chances. Usually more than I actually think they deserve. It’s probably because I wanna believe all people are good people. But I’m learning this isn’t alway the case. I have a loving personality. I love love. I want to love everything that surrounds me. And one way I'll be okay with this breakup is to believe: not everyone has to be good. But just because I don’t find them a good person doesn’t make them inherently bad, just in my eyes. Sometimes packages get delivered to the wrong house, doesn’t mean the product is shit, just wasn’t addressed to me.
I'm sure there are more, but breaking up with 4 people in one day is a little heavy, donchathink?
Anyways, Farewell.
Most sincerely with disdain, Natalie
You're getting Dumped
15:
I am a Neuroscientist Now
I really appreciate the person who told me they were intimidated by my mind. I know they didn’t say it because I am book smart. Because in reality, I’m not. I’ve mentioned I was never good at school. A lot of what I know comes from curiosity. I love perspectives. I love people’s opinions. Surprisingly enough, I love to listen more than I love to talk. I have a horrible habit of not looking people in the eyes when speaking to them. I think this is because while I’m processing what they are saying I am also analyzing the room, the environment. Taking everything in. Like a fly on the wall, I know a lot because I don't just hear a lot, I also see a lot. I find that my mind actually works better, it consumes more when I’m focusing on two things at once. I’m a fantastic multitasker. And so, in moments where l’m looking you in the eyes while you’re speaking to me, just know you’re captivating to me. Often times, with new people, I come off as shy. I believe that’s because new people offer new mindsets, new perspectives and in turn, I just take it all in, I analyze. When new things really intrigue me, I obsess. I don’t have answers for everything. But just like how I play trivia, I wanna know the answers and I’ll usually look them up myself once I turn in my own response. In relationships I’ll usually ask “what are we?” almost immediately. And it’s usually not because I actually care what their response is, but because I like definition and concrete answers. Speaking to my anxiety again, I don’t do well with undefined things.
13:
/kōˈinsədəns/
I believe that coincidences are signs from [the universe?] you are in the right place.
Think about it.
And when you do, just know, you are doing better than you think you are.
Chapter 12:
Happily Ever After
What's the biggest monster in my life? Potential.
Now, some may just call that anxiety. I have anxiety. So, makes sense.
However, this slightly fabricated tale has good meaning.
Picture this: A dad. A real estate mogul. Big money. Worked his whole life. Hard. His son? Minimum wage job. And nothing wrong with it because there are two types of people.
Dad asks "Son, when are you going to get a real job?" The reply: "Dad, have you ever been skiing down a volcano in Tokyo?" The answer is no. "Dad, have you ever been surfing off the coast of Croatia?" Again, the answer is no. And so on. Until the son asks "Dad, are you going to do that now?" The answer is well, probably not.
"Well Dad, there are two types of people. You live your life to work, I live my life to live.
That conversation with my uncle changed my life.
I will confidently say, I love my life. I'm happy.
Chapter 11:
Whats love got to fucking do with it
Lately, I've dealt with the question "what's love". What is it? How do I know I am in love? Who have I loved?
I've bought into the idea that I've loved someone with all my life. I will never deny that. I've been in love. But, my definition of love is wanting the absolute best for someone beyond anything you, yourself can control.
I'll share my stories:
As many, many know, I was in a relationship for a long time. A relationship I obsessed over. I thought I was happy. But, in fact, I was essentially Harley Quinn. It was toxic how much I loved being in this relationship.
I recently said to my very best friends: "love isn't the fucking drug, it's toxicity."
I didn't want the best for this person. I wanted the relationship. I wanted it so bad I would do whatever I could to be whoever that person wanted me to be. It was a "you say jump and my only response was how fucking high" situation. And that's of my own fault. I created that situation because that was how I chose to show my love. And, it was only as of recent that I learned that wasn't loving them, then. It was only when that person said I am with someone else that I started loving them because I realized I couldn't be happier. I felt happy that they were happy. That's love. Not beating each other up for assumed infidelity. Not not trusting. Not jealousy. Not unhappiness. Not toxicity.
And before that, all the other in between people, on breaks and back and forth, I knew weren't right. Or maybe I was still hooked on the high. I felt anger, upset, pure disdain. I felt it, I knew there was something off. And maybe that was a blessing to them. But now, now I have nothing bad to say. Maybe gut instinct? Maybe something in the stars? I don't fucking know. But I stopped feeling knots in my stomach and I started feeling bliss, that's when the love kicked in. Love is wanting the absolute best for someone. Just growth in love.
So I encourage you to ask yourself if you want the absolute best for those you're in love with. Or could it be toxicity?
And right now. At this very moment, I can honestly say I am the most in love with my friends, my family, and myself. I want the best for you.
Chapter 10:
2020
I decided I wanted to reflect on some things about 2020, the good, the bad, and everything in between. Here goes nothing..
2020 brought me friendships. Forever friends. The kind that I want in my life, always, but don't need in my life everyday. True friends and new friends. C h e e r s to that.
2020 brought me an understanding of what I want for myself. A standard. It taught me that any guy who asks for my snapchat and not my number is not going anywhere in my life. Grow up.
2020 taught me the true meaning of value and worth. It taught me my worth, what I bring to the table and the kinds of people I don't want sitting at my table.
2020 brought happiness like I couldn't even imagine. And anger, sadness to go along with it. But we get over it. It taught me how to deal. I now know how to become friends with my demons.
2020 brought me beauty. I found my personality in 2020. I found my edge, my glow. What makes Natalie, Natalie. And she's still evolving.
But 2020 gave me foundation.
I only excel from here.
Nine
Family is the absolute most important thing to me in my life.
And not just my immediate family. My parents were both one of four. And beyond that, they've got cousins galore. But, I love it.
My mom's mom, my grandma, she lives with us. She's 91 years old. She's a rock to me. I can't imagine days without her without breaking down.
My dad's parents are the nicest people you will ever meet. Wise. Precise. My grandpa goes to church every single day. Now, the apple does fall far from the tree there.
I'm a middle child of three. I have two dogs - a Chocolate Lab and a Yorkie. And I have a cat, named Boomer.
I have more cousins than I can count on my two hands.
90% of my family lives in New Jersey and I never want to move. Italians, amiright?
Eight
Why do we do this:
Recently I saw this meme on instagram and it read: “it’s the being screamed at 'she’s just a friend' for weeks and being in a relationship with her a week after the breakup for me”. And I’ve been in similar situations and I just wanna know why can't we be honest and upfront? You know? It’s taken a bit of confidence to get here but I am the type of person to cut ties as soon as I start feelin' shits not working. And I’m upfront about it. I’m communicative. Like "Yo I want something else for myself". And that’s okay. We’re not going to get along or be in relationships with everyone - it’s part of being human.
But why are we so scared to admit that? To admit you’re just not interested anymore. Why do we keep our ducks in a row and dangle people around and keep them on the side and waste their time. I’m far more likely to stick around, be a friend, and respect you if you're real with me from the get. Save me the feelings because now I’m just sour. What are we gaining internally from stringing people along? I’ll admit I dragged out relationships/friendships with many people far more than it should have went on. I wasn’t getting treated properly and I've been toxic too - I’ll admit to any wrong doings. But, that's over and done with for me. Right now, I just can’t wrap my mind around people who can’t just be upfront about their feelings. It’s disrespectful. Narcissistic. And to people who keep returning after feelings have been made clear, you’re just hurting yourself. And that’s me. I’ve been people. But I’m here to tell you it doesn't have to be this way.
Moving forward, if you're not communicating this or making your relationships clear, I encourage you to be more forward, upfront, and establish intentions, draw the lines, make it clear. We are all out here hurtin' one another, destroying relationship culture, and just unhappy as a whole because we are terrified of being vulnerable. Why are we so afraid of showing this?
Life isn't about being perfect or more elite than your neighbor. Be warm, be inviting, let's change the cold-hearted narrative.
Is anyone actually happy with hookup culture?? Or are we just trying not to feel feelings?
Bon Vivant
La Familia
Housekeeping
Lucky Number 7:
All I want in life is to be happy. Purely happy.
I learned this when I spent a lot of time unhappy. I know everyone has what they go through, but this is my blog. So, I’m going to be honest. I was never all this happy or all this confident or all this okay with how I was living. I’ve come such a long way and I am proud of myself to say the absolute very least. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I want in life over the last year. 2020 has been one of my best years in terms of emotional health, mental health, and happiness.
Im proud of that. I’ve realized that I really never wanna be low like that again and I cut out a lot of what put me in that space. I've realized it is so so unhealthy to be in a negative mindset. It’s incredibly easy to hate on what other people are doing, and I’m not going to say "I’m perfect I never do it", but, in that aspect of my life, I’ve checked myself on getting so involved. I’ve really started just worrying about me: What’s important in my life, what I need to improve my quality of life. And that’s my very own happiness. From here on out, if it doesn’t make me happy, it’s not for me.
So, if you ever think I'm being selfish or condescending, I promise I am all for people doing whatever they want as long as it isn't hatin' on others. Y'all beautiful inside and out. But so am I. And I have A LOT of missed self-confidence to make up for. I make myself happy and
I come with pure intentions.
and number six:
Understanding Life
Clearly I started a blog because I need to sort through some things. I am a pretty active member on tiktok, mainly just for viewing, but I've seen this trend of people listing things they don't understand. I'm going to do this, but some will be a bit more personal and I'll evaluate a little bit too, if I can.
Starting off - Insurance. I have nothing to evaluate. I have no idea what insurance is, what it covers, what it does for me personally, and why I need it. How about instead we cut the whole thing out and just make the costs of medical needs affordable??
PCOS - if you don't know what PCOS is, well neither do I. My doctor says I have it. I have all these things wrong with my hormones but I don't understand how badly it fluctuates and why it won't just go away.
Why I consistently ditch any men that are good for me - there’s a lot to this that I will break down another day.
Why do I re-watch the same three movies and shows on Netflix without trying other things? I have seen New Girl about 7 times through, same with How to Get Away with Murder. The Kissing Booth and The Kissing Booth 2. Jane the Virgin. And I'll probably re-watch Queen's Gambit. Thats pretty much all I watch.
I don't understand laptop storage. Why am I always running out of storage on my laptop when the internet is like an endless black hole?
Homophobia - I don't understand it. Why do you dislike someone for how they choose to spend their free time that's not affecting you personally? Or I don't understand any type of hate that goes along with this.
Why one of my exes didn’t want to return my sex toys. And the sex toy in question was a bunny dildo vibrator with an anal prong. I mean not that I need it, I can get myself another one. But like.... I just didn’t think it was as useful for him so like why couldn’t I just get it back? It was pricey.
I'm not scared of much but one of my biggest fears is any of my friend's husband falling in love with me. And why am I that confident that I think this is even possible?
I don't understand how some people actually enjoy really hot and spicy foods in their mouth. I'm not big on the spicy eats. I try, I really do. But like, how do people enjoy things beyond buffalo sauce?
I don't understand why I wasn't born Kylie Jenner. Win some. Lose most.
Mambo #5:
Resumes
It was surprising to see that a lot of other people my age also don't know exactly what they are doing with their life. Which is great, we're in this together. :) With that being said, theres also not much that sets me apart from others in terms of my resume. I have the very basic typical job skills: a useless 4-year degree, the typical computer skills, I didn't do any extra circulars - no sororities, no clubs, no sports. Just your typical weird white girl. I didn't even do an internship anywhere - just a lot of random jobs across the board.
So, in an effort to not flat out lie, but to make my resume stand out amongst others, I will now be listing other skills that may not help (definitely will not) me in the workplace, but I think definitely set me apart from the next. These are some of the random skills and talents that I will now be listing on my resume, feel free to follow the trend:
I have a great sense of direction - like geographically; north, south, east, west - highways, malls, restaurants, landmarks
I am a superb tour guide for a vast variety of different bars, restaurants, and clubs - different vibes, cuisines, price points - I've drank in a lot of places
Bartending - I can do it
2-Time Bar Trivia Winner - I know a lot of random information
I know all 45 (46 if we're counting Biden now) Presidents of the United States in order and I'm begging you to check me on this - party tricks
Parallel Parking - I'm good at it!
I'm very high-functioning when drunk and hungover
I can always eat - any time, anywhere, I'm not even a picky eater
Procrastinating - I work well under-pressure, last minute, ask any of my college housemates about my classwork
I don't always know the answers to things, but I will find it out
I am brutally honest
4:
Sixty-Five Bartlett
In my later two years of college I lived with seven other girls on one floor of a two-family.
Well, when you first start living with new people you have a couple days of getting used to one another, awkward introductions, you know - ice breaking. And well, the way I decided to break the ice with these girls was to get absolutely wasted the first night out together, come home, strip naked, and lie face down in the shower tub with the water running. Because who doesn't take a shower when blackout? Well, I was in there long enough for the water to go cold and I didn't even feel it. I did, however, wake up to my housemate's blood curdling scream from thinking I had died. No, I was just decently drunk. Welcome to the next two years.
That house was filthy beyond our years there. You needed like a thicker skin to physically survive at 65 Bartlett. There's only so many times you can clean a single surface before you realize its permanently dirty. Nevertheless, amongst the tough immune system (Covid 19 doesn't stand a chance) from the filth in that house you also needed a different type of thick skin to survive being roasted 24/7. You either need to join in with a great comeback or just take attacks at ur self-esteem unfazed because ??emotions??
However, this did prepare me for some (Crucial? Transformational.) moments in my college years. An example? I slept with a guy one time. Couple days later I wanted to do it again. His response? “The only thing I’m hitting tonight is TC or new box”. Travelers Club Vodka that is. The shittiest vodka on the face of the earth or new box. Savage and insulting, but I was undismayed. I actually laughed and my friends still use the same line to roast me.
Anyways, have you ever joked with a boy over text about marriage after making out at a bar one time?? Im not proud to admit that, but the texts will make you laugh - hmu for screenshots.
65 Bartlett took years off my life.
Rash Decisions
New Chapter:
This is just going to be a list of some impulse decisions I've made, good and bad, that have shaped me:
My hip tattoo - when they say it's not 4 years its 4L, they really, really meant it. And I was never in a sorority. Shoutout to the tattoo artist tho for putting a whole different spin on the image I wanted him to copy, it was cool on paper!
Re-Piercing my own nose.
I texted my friends that I wanted to go to Miami and then booked a trip and left the next day, alone. I actually booked the wrong hotel at first ... it was non-refundable. Goodbye $500.
Some of the men I've slept with.
If you knew me when I had blunt bangs, no you didn't. And if you were around during those times I was confident enough to trim them myself, at least we had the laughs.
Chucking my cell phone at a metal door - instant regret.
Throwing up in my purse.
Challenging my date to race down the staircases at Porta in Jersey City.
Bringing home my cat, Boomer.
And any time I've ever slapped anyone.
The rules: New Chapter, New Title:
The Pupil
So I’m not exactly sure why I started this blog. Like many things for me it was extremely impulsive - We're talking I honestly texted my friends and said "I think I wanna start a blog." But I’m starting here and I’ve decided I’m going to make it a learning experience - for myself, and any audience who decides to read this. I really don’t know what Im going to learn but I hope it’s at least worth owning the website domain of my full name. And I hope for any audience, well, I just hope it is not a waste of time.
With that being said, I’m going to start with one personal goal:
Figuring out what I’d like to do with my life - seriously, if you have any ideas for me lmk.
Moving on, I was never a great student. I mean I literally failed every class of my first semester in college. I failed Calculus 3 times. In one of my attempts to pass I just dropped the class 5 minutes before the first exam - 3 weeks of class, all that attempted effort just to say never mind, I'm not doing this again! I took Intro to Computer Science and my teacher just suggested I quit pursuing Comp Sci while I was ahead. And by ahead I mean having at least a salvageable GPA despite my failures. Goodbye Dreams and hello doing anything to graduate within 4 years.
At one point I wanted to be a lawyer, but I'm actually scared of the LSATs. Do you know how scared you have to be of a test to just completely give up on a whole career?
So where does that leave me? Maybe at the end of this I'll be able to answer that question.
This chapter of my life is called
Apparently Mount Everest has a Gift Shop called Rock Bottom
One time on Instagram, I saw some thing that read “How’s everyone doing? I’ll go first, I’m doing bad.” I’ve never related more. Its buried somewhere in my high-key really irrelevant highlights... Yeah, right next to a million photos of myself that no one asked for.
Moving on, as someone who really masks any type of feelings in retail therapy - and I’m not just talking a little trip to target. I’m talking you would actually have a field day with my credit card receipts. Sometimes I think what they hold is even worse than my texts. I mean, in the past 3 months I've sent an uncomfortable amount of money to a woman in California who I believe is casting spells to make my life better on my behalf. I'm ashamed to admit that, but truth was going to come out eventually, and eventually the whole story. However, this isn't a story of "IM SAD", no. Moral of this story: I’m not in crippling debt, but i might as well be.
Anyways, I think this blog will be good for me. Healthy.
I'll leave day 1 off with some very wise words from Lady Gaga in that song Rain On Me: “I’d rather be drunk, but at least I’m alive”- that’s definitely not the words, but I swear it is what she meant... sounds enough like it too.
